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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Maybe this comment wont be important for you guys here. Some of you will ignore it, most of yall wont bother to read and it`ll go unnoticed along with some others. maybe I`ll be criticized for this but I just want to let yall know I`m selling potatoes
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.