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Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.