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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time