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If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".