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Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
I`m done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I`m invading their "personal space." LOL
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.