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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
I like it like that
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.