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Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
The problem in general terms is that people suck.