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The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
"What did you do today?" "I text messaged." :)
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there