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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.