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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers