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I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
No pants are the best pants.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…