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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
It takes balls to be a man.
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
Is Nudeism a religion?
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.