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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species