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I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"