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Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
Condoms prevent minivans.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook, It`s much clearer now
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.