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I just called. To say. I texted you.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?