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Before the internet I used to like people.
I put the o in illiterate!
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
Life was much easier when apples and blackberries were fruits&& not phones
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.