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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
Insert coin to view my status message.
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
I say the things better left unsaid.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.