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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.