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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
All I`m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us. But, whatever, be that way.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.