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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
You made several good points, and I understand that you are right, but the way you said it was so douchey I have to take an opposite stance.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.