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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.