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Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.