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Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC