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The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
You are wasting your time reading this status.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
What’s the answer to this question?
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.