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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
Well, the people outside are frightful.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...