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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?