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I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
Better late than pregnant.
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?