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Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.