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There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium