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I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.