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A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
i know how to shutup.I just don`t know when.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
I`ve given up on giving up.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.