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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”