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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?