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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
YouTube "This video is not available in your country". where the hell am I from? NARNIA?
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”