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Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it