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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
Hey Monday+?+(???) +?+
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn`t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.