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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.