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I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
I have off-road rage, too
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.