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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.