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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.