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According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with `Go away.`
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.