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I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
If ANY of my posts have made even one person’s day better, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.