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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.