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My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.