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Will be drunk until further notice.
That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out