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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.