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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
I see the Seven Deadly Sins as more of a To-Do list.
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.