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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.