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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?