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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs