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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.