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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.