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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Vodka is just amazing water.
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.