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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.