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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.