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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.