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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.