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Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.