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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.