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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
My house has really let itself go.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut