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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!