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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.