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There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?